A Night at the Roses
by Epithumia
Summary: A crack fic, of the crackiest nature around. The plot is thinner than wax paper. Simply put, it's the cast of Bleach. And I guess it's tied around spring break or something. Oh look! Floating fish!


(A crack fic I made in random late night musings. It's M for a reason, and for every reason. Those being: foul language, adult content and adult situations. Yeah. Kiddies don't read. No yaoi, though, that's just stupid. yawn Also, I have not plagiarized anyone's ideas. I've not been on fanficnet for about a year. So yeah. Don't give me crap. Have fun.)

Ichigo was more than ready for spring break, when suddenly, Keigo exploded.

"OMFG" cried the student body at the filler student's combustion. "Y DID HE DEW THAT!" which was psuedo0creepy since everyone said it in unison, almost like a musical but nowhere near as cool.

Five minutes until the bell, and Keigo was on fire, convulsing in his chair, a fountain of foaming saliva gushing like snowfall from his mouth. Chizuru tried to access the situation with her lesbianism, but could did not prevent him going up like an abortion clinic in the Bible belt.

Rukia on the other had, was dancing. On her _desk_. Because she's that fucking _awesome_. Orihime was on her period…yup. That's about it for her.

So yes. They were all bored. For different reasons. Kon-chan, for instance, had not gotten laid. Ever. And so, with his suppressed libido, he was cast to an eternity inside a genderless stuffed animal without functioning sexual organs. Irony is a bitch, eh? Tatsuki wanted Mr. Pibb. Because Mr. Pibb is laced with tobacco, thus, explaining her yellowed teeth and irritability, tearing out the spine of Nameless Student #5 Mortal Kombat-style in such a manner to make Chuck Norris proud.

All the same, the class were about ready to fuck the teacher anally with tri-bladed chainsaws…which as I understand it is quite an unpleasant sensation. Except for Orihime. She wanted some Midol, Ben and Jerry's and the Lifetime network. Rukia, painfully oblivious to the telepathic threats of the student body, and having no fucking idea what a chainsaw was, decided to text Renji on the telephone. " renji i luv u u r sew haha chapppy! - oomg pockky inmy ass bi1!" Ichigo had an erection. It seemed that Isshin enjoyed torturing his son in other ways, among them, slipping heavy dosages of Cialis and Viagra into his daily vitamins (one of the perks to being a licensed doctor- free dick pills!) "EAT THE BLUE ONES! THEY IS BUBBLEGUMS!" his father proclaimed. Ichigo, who could not resist bubblegum flavored medicine, took lengths to get as many as his bloodstream would allot.

As it turns out; that was a lot.

Five minutes in anime-land can be turned into twenty episodes, as displayed by Dragon Ball Z. The same can be said here. So as the five minutes drew the Karakura High student body into a time flux, Chizuru decided that, maybe she should wear flannel. Yeah…cause, you know, chicks dig other chicks with mullets.

"HOKAY CLASSSSS" Shrieked their educator, rousing from her Nyquil induced coma "FOR EACH ONE NIGHT STAND, YOU GET A GOLD STAR!"

And even though Matsumoto was not a student to Karakura High, suffice to say she had many, many gold stars in her lifetime.

"Please document them using any home recording device with a night vision filter, remember, class, we want tits and vag not-"

"-dick and balls." The class finished their long since memorized credo for semester sex tapes.

Orihime thought of that time when she and Ichigo and Rukia had got together for a cram session…_lotsa_ cramming going on there…but boy was that hard to finish…too much exertion on the body…but still, the end result was satisfying. Or was that the time speed-mixer and the rolling pin? She couldn't recall, the days just seemed to roll into one big sticky affair. LOLGETITITCOULDBEBAKINGORCOULDITBESEXWITHAPPLIANCESLOLLOL But now it was summer, and they could cram all they wanted!

"So, Inoue." said Ichigo, because he did not know Orihime's real name, but she seemed to answer pretty damn well to Inoue, so that worked. "I have a giant boner."

"OMGPENUS LLOL!" Exclaimed Rukia, because, well, she loved her some penus. General knowledge. "sew itchgo wut r u gowang 2 do aboutomgpocky the hollowz haha (&) mrow mro)w omg byakua iz hot n so iz kaien but dontell them--OMFG KAIENDONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1NII-CHANN5omgddikinmyass" Ichigo really, had no idea what Rukia said anymore since her imprisonment. It was a bad move on Soul Society's part to have the prisons co-ed, and the gang rapes seemed to have really gotten to Rukia.

Keigo remained on fire.

So like, to show the passage of time I'll surround it with asterisks so it looks really cool.

PASSAGE OF TIME

Hah. Awesome.

A new girl was coming to school, her name was Sukiko Rose, who magically had a Japanese first name and had magically moved to Japan from America, obviously not having issues with the language barrier because she had a Japanese first name. Duh. So she was so super beautiful and her test scores were amazing even though she doesn't study and like complains about school. Her parents exploded in a ninety car pileup, involving demon terrorists, the explosion caused the bridge they were on to explode as well, and for some reason she was on a hill facing the bridge when all this happened and like, a single tear fell down her cheek and she was all "NOOOOOO!" etc. So then there were these demon sharks in the water too and they pretty much screwed her parents over. AND THEN like, I dunno, Aizen or something stabbed them and stared intently into her eyes. Then her brother (who killed hollows or something) gets possessed by a random hollow and like, tries to kill her and she has to do it, and he dies in her arms and then like, her dog explodes on the carpet for no reason other than to piss her off. And then her boyfriend gets shot by demon clone mobster spirits. He dies in her arms too.

And liek omg she's in Japan.

And somehow her parent's inheritance also paid for an apartment so she never had to work. Hah. Fancy that.

Little did everyone know that the world would become really poorly written.

(Special thanks to Copeh and Mufasa for their opinions. Review and such.)


End file.
